Rules for Adult Kids Moving Back In:

So, hypothetically, if I had an adult kid moving back in, who didn’t quite “get-it” when they left the first time, this is the list I would give him or her upon their return.

Disclaimer: this is not only coming from the perspective of what some might call a germ-freak (AKA, a very common sense individual), but also from a spirit of efficiency, personal ownership, accountability, and respect for those you share a space with. Some times there can be a double standard or discrepancy in how family members treat their own family (who they’ve known forever) versus how they treat their room mates (who they just met); but when we’re all adults, that playing field should be standardized.

1. Shoes off at the door (especially your friends… I’ll embarrass you). Forget something? Awe… don’t care! There is no 10 second rule where you can walk through the house with your shoes on. Take them off.
2. Wash your hands:
   • When you come in from going somewhere, first wash your hands.
   • Never touch the fridge without washing your hands, especially coming from outside or bathroom.
     
   • Computer keyboards and your cel phones are, statistically, filthier than most toilet seats. I buy Lysol wipes. Use them. If you haven’t cleaned your phone or laptop lately, don’t be touching the fridge before washing your hands. And if you haven’t cleaned your phone, don’t set it on my clean, freshly Lysol’d counter top.
   • Use bathroom, wash your hands.
   • Take a dump, turn on your bathroom fan and shut your bathroom door so it doesn’t go straight into my office and peel the paint off my walls. Turn the fan off after an hour, i.e., don’t leave your bathroom fan on 24 hours per day, sucking out my air conditioning.
3. Do not leave the outside doors open, ever.
   • I spend a ton of time killing flies that, mostly, other people let in the house. I am not designated fly killer.
     • If you let a fly in, first thing you do, is shut all bedroom doors and girl’s bathroom (after first making sure it didn’t go in those rooms). If you see fly that you didn’t necessarily let in, here is the shocker: these instructions still work (same procedure)!
     • Then the next thing you need to do is spend at least 30 minutes looking for fly (if it even takes that long). Don’t worry, the longer you practice this responsibility / decent human thing, the better you will be at catching the little flying bastards.
     • If you don’t see it, wait until next time you see it, and spend another 30 minutes chasing it (have your fly swatter ready)!
     • Wait for it to land and crouching tiger sneak attack it.
     • Easier: coral the fly at the back-sliding door window (when sunny).
     • Easiest method: chase or follow fly into the laundry room. Then shut the sliding laundry room door. Then open the side-door (outside door) and it will fly right out.
   • In general, if you go out the outside side-door from the laundry room, there are more flies because of trash cans. Close the sliding door before you open the side-door so the flies can’t get in rest of house (yes, just like they do in submarines)!
4. “Your” friends should use “your” bathroom only (not my man-cave); I get tired of cleaning and disinfecting it after they leave. Keep your bathroom own clean. You have drawers in the sink. Put things in them occasionally, especially when guest come over. Not every thing you own has to be on the counter top. And, barf, don’t leave your scary skid-mark underwear laying around everywhere.
5. Keep room clean.
6. Stewardship (be considerate):
   • If paper towels are almost empty, I know it’s complicated, but replace it! I will not sue you if you replace it before the very last sheet is gone (I know that game).
   • If you take the last plastic utensil, paper plate/bowl, cups, etc…–or if they are just low–I buy them, so the least you can do is walk 5 feet to the cabinet and replace them (wash your hands first).
7. Do not use speaker phone when Jody is here.
   • If Jody can hear every single word of your conversation, you’re unnecessarily “loud-talking”.
   • You don’t need to scream into your phones for the person on the other end of the phone to hear.
8. If you use a dish pan, do not leave it for me to clean. If you have to put water in it to soak, come back soon and finish cleaning it.
   • Dish washer doesn’t have to be loaded immediately; and dishes don’t have to be washed immediately, but NEVER put dishes, with food in them, in my sink.
   • Never put a dirty dish in sink with food or any residue without rinsing or wiping with a sponge so at least food isn’t attached. If it is stubborn, add soap and soak it. And if it’s greasy, especially add dish soap (soap binds to grease & H2O at same time) and soak. But don’t leave it there. Come back in < 2 hours and finish cleaning it.
   • Do not put dishes with left-over food in left side of sink. That goes in the trash can or on the on the disposal side (right sink). I should not be cleaning food out of the drain on left side others left. And I should not be smelling it.
   • Granted, it is pretty nasty when food sits in the sink for days, creating some kind of leftover, slimy, chum. My real pet peeve in this regard, however, is not even 100% germ origin-based. It just really pisses me off when someone, let’s something like oatmeal turn to concrete on a dish, making it a thousand times harder to clean than it needed to be.
   • If I can smell your left-over dishes, they have been in their too long.
   • The silver-handled knives rust if left wet. They cannot be put in the dish washer. Wash them immediately with hot soapy water, dry, and put back in knife block.
9. If you fill up a trash can or recyclables, take them out. If they are even close to being full, I will not sue you if you take them out before they are overflowing and stinking up the place.
10. If using TRX’s, do not put all your weight front (facing TV) to back. You can put as much weight on as you want from side to side (because ceiling our joists run side to side).

I’ll keep you posted on how well or how bad this “hypothetical list” was received:)

To your success,

Jody Heath

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